I step in, take my shoes off. I like to walk barefoot. The little round marks that my toes live on his wooden floor, I think they’re cute, and then I laugh inside, because I think I’m stupid. I walk with my eyes down, can’t see more than two steps in front of me. I take a peak. He’s there, where he usually is, sitting down, pretending to be preoccupied. He’s shy, not because of me… he just is. I take my usual sit, next to the sofa, while he pours the wine. “Not for me, I’m driving”. “You’re leaving again……..”, he says. I smile… maybe he’s just being nice…. Maybe he doesn’t really want me to stay. Men want to be alone in their space. I have learned that in time.
Damn, I hate my thighs, they’re so thick. And then I panic. He wants to know my secrets. But I don’t have any… and what if he knew? Would he still find me interesting without secrets? He wants to know my desires. And all I desire now is to loose those pounds. Lame… I don’t want to want anymore. I can’t afford it. Ambitions? That is a good one. My ambition is to find and allow someone else to take control. Because I’m so tired and because it’s the first time I don’t feel like running. It’s the first time I don’t feel like fast forwarding through my life, the first time I don’t feel like making plans. I just feel like walking slowly, stopping and admiring every once in a while, taking deep breaths, as if I just discovered oxygen.
Damn, I hate my thighs, they’re so thick. And then I panic. He wants to know my secrets. But I don’t have any… and what if he knew? Would he still find me interesting without secrets? He wants to know my desires. And all I desire now is to loose those pounds. Lame… I don’t want to want anymore. I can’t afford it. Ambitions? That is a good one. My ambition is to find and allow someone else to take control. Because I’m so tired and because it’s the first time I don’t feel like running. It’s the first time I don’t feel like fast forwarding through my life, the first time I don’t feel like making plans. I just feel like walking slowly, stopping and admiring every once in a while, taking deep breaths, as if I just discovered oxygen.
And then he pulls himself near. He runs his fingers through my tangled hair and I trace little circles with the tip of my nose along his chick bone. He giggles like a child, starling the butterflies in my stomach. Damn, not again…I promised myself and yet I remember I want no control. I feel an urge to show him my soul. But he doesn’t believe in souls. I would show him my heart but that never helped. It had just made me look like a freak before. My mind would be appealing but it’s just so ordinary, because it’s the mind of a woman that is falling in … and nothing else exists on the other side of the walls. The entire universe is in that room.
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