9 days

We spoke after nine days. Nine days went by. There was nothing but silence for nine whole days… and he never said I miss you. Not like a friend, or like a lover…. We had a bit of a small talk. And I didn’t ask. How could I? I was calling out all my angels to thank them for even talking to him. He will never know how much he means to me.

That is part of the latest deal I sign with “life”.

As long as it doesn’t take away the people that give me joy, I will never let them know how important they are. And as long as I don’t let them know they are important, “life” will not take them away. Why is that? Because life’s not fair. And I have to play by the rules. I lost a lot before, when I didn’t know that. I thought I could change things. I thought a clean heart is all it takes to bring love into the world. I thought that bringing love into the world is all it will take to make me happy. And I thought that being happy it’ll be so easy since I don’t ask for anything. Just let me give back, because I have sooo much to give.

But life just laughs in my face. “Who needs your shit? Haaaa? Everyone is busy making money, making careers, living in the fast lane. No one cares about love and people and dreams. You stupid fuck, wake up!!!” ok- I said- but what if I care about all this? “Then… you’ll just have to adjust” –life said. “How do I do that? Well…if that is what you really want, keep it to yourself. Don’t let them know what you think, because they’ll laugh in your face. Don’t let them know how you feel, because they will never understand and everyone will shy away from you. Don’t let them see your heart, because they wouldn’t know what that is, and while curiously analyzing it, they would break it for sure.

So, if you ever see me walking down the street looking like I don’t know anything, careless just like I don’t feel anything, pulling my jacket titer over my chest like I want to hide something, you will understand. But maybe you don’t have to, because I will just blend easily with the masses by then……